The Weirdness Flows Between Us

 Well, it's that time again. Time to laugh at some weird crap I found on Etsy. You may have missed my last post on this subject, you can catch up here. The paradox is that there are things in this world, that are so weird that you feel you must buy them but they are not something you want to own. Therefore, you should buy them and then give them to your friends. They become a hilarious burden passed along from person to person. That is probably why so many of them are for sale. You see them in thrift stores, at garage sales, in garbage cans, in a free pile... but sometimes you find them at their source, in the hands of their creators, on Etsy. So here's another round! Maybe you will be inspired to buy one of these bizarre items for a friend? My friends certainly love receiving little gifts, such as these, upon their bed pillows.

Ugly mask from Etsy

This would be good for those days when you aren't feeling so pretty... you can just put this on and then when you take it off, you will be so relieved that your face doesn't actually look like this- you will feel beautiful again! How can you resist? I love the rosy cheeks, beard and especially the green mouth. Is the green supposed to symbolize incredibly stinky breath?

 

The Ugly Misfit Gang

These dolls may be weird and gross but they are also kind of cool. Check out the techni-color body suit on the one of the right. These would be great for hiding around your friend's house. One on her underwear drawer, one under her pillow, one in her jewelry box, one in the freezer... Sometimes dirty, old, and bizarre mix together to make something wonderful and I think we have it here: The Ugly Misfit Gang!

Click here to find out wtf these are.

If you are wondering what these are and why they cost $68, we are on the same page. I mean, they look like lumpy dolls made from laundry lint. Apparently, they are Chinese dragons. I checked out this sellers other items and there are some much more identifiable felt figurines but these just look like blobs of liver to me. They are however, THE perfect thing to give to someone as a gift because they are so delightfully ambiguous. That is, if they were free.

Squirrel Paw Earrings...

I am sorry to do this to you all, but they are just too gross not to show you! These are REAL squirrel paw earrings. Yuck! Can you imagine these brushing up against your neck all day? Getting tangled in your hair? BARF! What's worse is that there are somehow 8 hearts for this item! How could you not buy these for your friend? Imagine her disgust and horror!

Conjoined Chimps

If I were an aunt, this is definitely what I would buy my nephew/niece. What child would not love a disfigured stuffed animal? And what better way to upset your sister-in-law? The chimp with two faces? He could have two names! This is some serious Wednesday Adams stuff.

Bacon Magnets

What's great about these, is that they are magnetic. So you can put them in all sorts of random places when your friends aren't looking. Think about it...

Snail Baby

I have saved my favorite for last. Is this not inspiring?

I don't think I could resist buying this if I saw it in person.

It would be excellent to hide in a neighbor's garden...

Something Creepy This Way Comes

Have you ever been in a thrift store and found something so creepy and weird that you wanted to buy it, but then you don't know what to do with it once you have it and you don't really want to keep it because it's that creepy? This happens to me all the time. A lot of the time I carry it around the store with me the entire time debating about whether I should really buy it. I ask my shopping partner with a wide grin, "Should I really get it?" and no matter what the answer, I go on mumbling to myself, "I don't know..." In the end, I usually decide not to buy it, mainly because I cannot justify spending money on something that would otherwise be spent on something I'd actually use. I will argue that there are some objects so creepy that they are worth buying, even if you don't know what to do with them, because what you do with them is give them to your friends and then watch the look of confusion/horror on their faces when they are presented with the item. Or better yet, you hide it somewhere in their room and then patiently wait for the moment when they scream out, "EW!" or "What the hell!" At any rate, I have been shopping in the virtual thrift store world of Etsy and I have found some absolute gems.

Creepy Cat

This poor cat looks like it is being devoured by slimy slugs! I do not know what it is about figurines, why do they exist at all? They are always incredibly strange and utterly useless.

Cat Pins

If that last cat wasn't weird enough for you, here are some really great cat pins, which appear to be made of real hair. Now you can carry a creepy item around with you always by wearing it on your blouse! Amazing. Someone should buy all of these and wear them all at once. I can easily imagine my neighbor doing this. It would be especially great if you pet them and quietly explained things to them throughout the day.

Bird Hat

If you want your head to look like the grill of a semi, buy this hat. I mean really, it looks like someone scraped the remainder of this bird off the side of the road and then glued it to this vintage hat. Wtf? I am reminded of Hitchcock and also of a former housemate who had a phobia of dead birds. I can also imagine the woman who would wear those kitty pins wearing this hat. Perhaps a rather morbid arts and craft session to commemorate a gift given to her by her cat?

Eyes

Taxidermy glass eyes. A whole variety in fact. This seller even suggest that you, "line them up on your windowsill" for a lovely display. Hello, freak show! I suggest you line them up on your housemate's windowsill and then never admit to doing it.

Turkey Carcass Serving Container

There is just something unsavory about this. The seller claims that this dish is for mustard. Why the hell would I want to serve mustard out of a turkey carcass? If I were to start a gift registry for 'obnoxious vegans you may have occasion to buy a gift for', this would be first on the list.  

Clown Heads

I really hate clowns. I really, really hate them. So when you show me an image like this, it naturally disturbs me. Apparently these clown heads are supposed to be cake decorations. Parents, I beg of you never to expose your children to these insanely freaky creatures.

Happy Little Weapons

I guess these are bartending tools, but to me they just look like small weapons of torture with faces on them. I imagine that the small troll living in my wall would use these to kill off my parakeet right before climbing up the side of my bed to suck out my soul.

Mink

I can't believe this used to be in style. So gross. I always get creeped out when I see these. Touching them is even worse. Imagine rolling over in bed and finding these sleeping next to you, heads on the pillow. What a great prank! If you can bring yourself to touch these long enough to buy them and plant them in your housemate's bed that is...

Ew

Truly amazing. Look at the little legs. This is the weirdest purse I have ever seen and this seller wants $76 for it! Unreal! Buy hey, if you did shell out the cash for this you could also buy those taxidermy eyes and then you could switch this Alligator's eyes to match your outfit. Genius, right?

Clown on a Unicorn?

This is an abomination.