For so bare is my heart, I can't hide.. and so where does my heart, belong..

They say, "When it rains, it pours."
Well folks. My life is beginning to resemble a natural disaster. While partying with a trio of drunk care bears, I received news of the passing of my stepfather. Those who know a little about my past are aware of my tumultuous upbringing - nonetheless, he was a father figure to me, and I will miss him and treasure the few great childhood memories I have allowed myself to remember. I have always fought to protect my family from any trials, and if there was a way for me to suffer through all the pain for them, I would do it without blinking an eye.. so the level of helplessness I am feeling right now is enough to break my spirit continuously, and on an hourly basis. I haven't cried since the night I have received the news, its like the tears wont come.. like Ive finally run out. After months of crying over a broken heart, a failed relationship, a sudden death, financial dilemmas and missing my family, mercilessly followed by bouts of depression, self-doubt, anxiety and blatant fear - this family tragedy serves as an unnecessary proverbial cherry on top. One more reason for me to wish for 2010 to be officially over.

Ive reached a point, where I have run out of straws to grasp at. I have decided to stop taking the wheel, and to let life drive me for a while. I'm absolutely debilitated. I have turned to Xanax for a little help, so I end up somewhat breezing through my days without the risk of feeling too much. I can feel my exterior crumbling, while those close to me struggle to put me back together piece by piece. Without them, I would descend back into that black hole.. right now I'm just floating.. and hoping that all the good changes and love will be powerful enough to defeat the seemingly never ending heartbreaks..

PS: Some photos courtesy of Christine San Diego, the rest are mine.. [photobooth much?]