You always take the sweetest rose and crush it till the petals fall

 Photos by Denise Tolentino (more photos on her blog)

If my absence has become blatantly obvious, I'd like to explain by saying, sometimes life brings you down to such a degree that words fail even an emotional writer like me. Everything becomes a kind of nothingness, a collection of feelings, thoughts and memories, but once I try to bring myself to vaguely verbalize a sickeningly simple summary of my life.. I draw a blank.

I wish tears could turn into words, maybe then I could find a less exhausting form of release. Quadruple shots of Rum at dinnertime isn't really doing much in making me forget, and the obviously excruciating "same time, same place" last year recollections are enough to drive one to the brink of all things bad. I guess I have somewhat accepted that I just am one of those people.. I feel everything with such intensity that the simplest emotions become a ride to hell, or heaven for that matter. No matter how hard I try, nothing can be suppressed into something more bearable.. if its happy, its a blindingly bright happy.. if its a sad, its the gateway to the longest tumble down a cliff. Such is life, when you are walking in these shoes of mine.

They do say, "Enjoy life to the fullest." What's that all about anyway? Does this mean I am halfway on the right track? Sometimes it seems like the only way to survive this eternal weather change is to lock one's heart away, never fall, never care, and therefore never cry? Is being jaded and withholding the only way one can be assured that we don't get plowed over by all our emotions? I envy those who can be indifferent and cold.. maybe they have it all figured out, instead of playing a sad copy of Sylvia Plath's persona, chasing one momentary high after another and crashing all the way to the bottom of the universe each time around. My girl friend says, we are addicted to pain. Could it be true? But if I was so addicted to it, why do I wish for the world to end each time I have to succumb to it?

I'm so tired I just want to stay asleep.

But will my heart be broken, when the night meets the morning sun..

There comes a time in all our lives when we have to re-evaluate the direction we are going. Most of the time, this all happens in our mid-twenties. Lately, I have been asking myself the same questions over and over again.. driving me to the brink of absolute insanity. My family has expectations, goals they have set for me. Marry, have a child, settle down.. give up my life. I cringe at the thought of it all. It seems the older I become, the more I know what I do NOT want out of life.

I, for instance, do not want to marry out of convenience, or because it is expected of me, I want to marry out of love. Undying, undeniable, head-over-heels, cant-live-without-you love. I want to never hold back my feelings, and run free, and live, most of all, I want to live. I don't want to fear mistakes I can learn from, I want to attempt the impossible and lose myself in my thoughts and daydreams. I want to change my mind, until I get it right, and then again, when I am bored. I want to travel and see and learn and laugh. But most of all, I want to fall in love, over and over again.. with places, and people.. and maybe the same one person. Over and over again.

Last night I was looking through the thousands of photos I have been tagged in on my FB account, and I felt my heart crumble. I didn't think I was going to get here so soon, but I miss my old life. I wouldn't want it back the way it was exactly, not now, not ever.. but I miss some of the experiences I was able to enjoy, and the people I was able to meet and come to love. I especially grieve for the loss of my kite-life.. it was good to me but was not a perfect fit once I grew a little older and maybe none the wiser at all. The times I stood on a podium, the costumes I wore, the beers I devoured and the winds I felt gushing through my hair.. People always say to me, "You are so lucky to have lived that life, and to be the person you are.. You are this.. that.." and I never see it. My heart is insatiable.. But I cant deny that the last 6 years have almost felt like a mini-movie. "The girl who danced barefoot and rarely slept." or something of the sorts.

I guess ultimately, change is good, change is necessary. We need change.
This is my attempt at embracing change. Complete with panic attacks, excessive drinking, denial, paranoia, plan-B-plottings, doubt, distractions, over-indulgence and lots and lots of sleepless nights.
Hey; they don't call it a quarter-life-crisis for nothing.

Photos by Allyssa Heuze who now has a blog ♥ [shot in the summer in Boracay - extra points for the one who can spot the big blurry lady ;) ]

PS: My Formspring is back up and running!

We were born and raised in a summer haze, bound by the surprise of our glory days

I wish I knew how to make sense of life sometimes. Like a speeding bullet doing spirals around me, it is so hard to follow and even harder to control. I find myself stopping, shutting my eyes, trembling in fear, not knowing at which point I will be hit, but I cannot run from it, I cannot hide, it is there, it is crippling and it turns me into  a cowering mess of emotions. Life.

The only thing in life that is constant is change. You either sink or swim, but either way, you cannot stop the change. I crawl to the edge of reason, and peek over it, clutching to my sanity, praying I don't stumble and fall.. and lose myself completely. My heart is heavy, saying goodbye to places, people, habits, routines.. you learn to love what you have and then when it is gone, you wonder. Why?

It is a question you will ask yourself over and over again in life. You can choose to be ahead of the game and choose bravery and embrace all things that come your way. You can say, "I did my best.", wipe away your tears and start anew. Or you can let your blind refusal get the best of you.. we all have our ways of coping. Your heart will be heavy over and over again, but as long as you realize, that life is a constant cycle of change, you will see clearly, you will be prepared for every bit of change that comes your way, and you will find your way through that storm. You have to believe that you will find a rainbow at the end of it, because cliché or not, in my world of hurricanes, each and every time I have been swept away by the torrential rains and floods of my existence, I have always found my way out of the darkness, and back into the clarity of the light.

This is the deep and dying breath of this love that we've been working on

wearing random white wifebeater, Zara silk top, Forever 21 ram ring, Gina Tricot bangles, Boracay markets necklace

 Overwhelmed with the response on the last post, I questioned if I had made the right decision in posting about it. I have gotten endless inquiries about whether or not this happened in Boracay and if I think the island has suddenly become unsafe for tourists. A meager amount of reposts from my local friends was unbearably unsettling, and I feared if I had offended anyone or jeopardized our tourism by openly speaking about my story.

The truth is, this could have happened anywhere, it doesn't matter where you are, this can happen to you too. No I do not think that the island is suddenly unsafe, but I think that sometimes, we forget how vulnerable we can be out there, on our own, as females. My experience should not be a deterrent to go on vacation, it should serve as a reminder that we also need to be aware of the dangers out there that we could possibly face. Before this incident, I knew these stories only from hearsay, the news and movies. I naively figured, I have been here 5 years, I have walked these streets for that long, and I have done it drunker than a skunk and nothing has ever happened to me. Well folks, if it wasn't for all my false confidence, I would probably be writing about something cheerier. 

I am planning my next big move, something I have considered for quite a while now. I am finally leaving my little piece of paradise. I embrace all the lessons it has taught me, and treasure the wonderful people I have met and come to love. This last month here will be emotional and dreadfully confusing, but all good things must come to an end, and in life, we must keep on keeping on. Ultimately, if I have learned nothing else, I have learned that not only can you turn dreams into reality, but also turn your reality into a dream. And with a mindset like that, there is no need for you to ever really leave the paradise you have built within you.